Grandma's Advice is too Much
My family and I moved back to this area from Ohio recently. My father & step-mother live here. We moved back here for many different reasons, one being jobs! Anyways... I love my father & step-mother. But since moving here I have come to realize why I moved away in the first place. My father is great. Doesn't "butt" in unless we ask for advice. But my step-mother is the other way! And I mean to the extreme. Since moving back here I have been told I am "too clean" of a person meaning I tidy up our place every evening before going to bed, my children are too attached to me (they actually show me love and affection unlike her real daughter), my kids are spoiled (I make them do chores, they are respectful, but I also allow them to choose what sports and musical instrument they wish to play and we built them a computer from our old parts). She also states our business will never get off the ground. She tells us how to do things although she has never managed a business in her life. She tells me I care about material things (i don't have nicknack's, my furniture is 7 years old, we are in need of a new bed that is over 20 years old but will not buy it yet) but every time we go window shopping she usually buys things where I buy nothing. She drops by without calling. It's her opinion or nothing. I feel so broken down that I am avoiding fun things. I am also starting to avoid the phone and e-mails. I try to be nice about when she is giving advice not asked for and when she is "putting me" down for my mothering skills. I can take everything except the things she states about my children. My oldest just turned 12 years old. Very soon it's not going to be "cool" to hang out with mom anymore. I am enjoying all the time I have now before he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. I do not spank them and she gets upset about it. For one... they haven't done anything so bad they actually need spank. We elect to take away game systems and other fun things as a form of punishment. And two he is 12 years old and I am afraid I would actually spank him in the wrong spot and hurt him. She tells my youngest he is a cry baby. Due to every time they are in the same room she makes him cry. It's got to the point I keep them separate. I am lost on what to do. I wish we never moved back here now. I am actually ready to move back to Ohio or another far away state!
Not easy
I feel for you, not easy at all. I moved here last year with my husband and son and things are going much better now with my in-laws but at the begginning we moved with my huband grandma and she start saying some things about my mothering skills (a lot on the potty tranning and he was only 11months). One day I ask my self and husband...how can I stop this- tell them with an open heart and explain them that this is too hard and not sure how to say it.
Last month we had an issue with my mother in law and some "secret information" about their son going back with the wife and for me it was just so childish and I told her how those things just want me to move away and they understood pretty fast and things are much better now. I just talk to them now when we have something because if you dont it's like a fast growing snow ball and they don't know where the limits are. I would pray a lot before talking and right down some points. Good luck and hope everything will be better soon.
It's tough
I can't really say that I know exactly what you are dealing with but I do know how it feels to go from a comfortable environment with kids to move into an uncomfortable one around family. When my husband and I started our family we were in New Mexico without any family around and moved back here when my mother was sick(she's fine now). Anyway, I practically fantasize about our life away from family just because of all of the judgement and opinionating that has been forced upon us. I never felt so insecure as I did when we moved back here and had my mother and mother figures in my family putting in their two cents about everything from our finances to our parenting skills. I've learned to turn a deaf ear to most of the "constructive criticism" but there are times that I just have to defend myself and my husband. Point being, when I started standing my ground people stopped speaking up so much. Has your father spoken with your MIL at all or does he notice/care about how she treats you and speaks to you? Maybe he could speak with her or he could support you while you speak with her??? She definately has some sort of unresolved issues with her own parenting skills I think, which might make her hypercritical of yours. It seems as some people age they forget their errs in life and feel they can suddenly judge others. Well, good luck! Sorry so long!
boundries
I think boundries are the key. You wouldn't know it today, but we had our fair share of disagreements, hurt feelings and arguments early on with parents. It took some time, but each person needs to let their feelings be known, otherwise your feelings will continue to be hurt. I wouldn't put up with her bashing your parenting or the way you keep your house. I would be clear that her advice or opinions are best kept to herself unless you ask for them. Of course, even when problems seem to be worked out, there will always be times when you will have to let things roll off your back, but I think everyone would be more at ease if you could agree upon some boundries!
Jessica
~ Mommy to Luke and Shawn
Wow!!
I am not shocked. It sounds to me she is a little jealous of how you handle things.
I had someone like that in my life with my first child. It is hard to imagine them putting you down like that. They always saw to turn the other check, but it sure stings.
I guess I would just put up some boundries and let her know that you are there mother and you and your husband are raising them. Also, let her know that though you are greatful for the advice you would rather have her give it when asked.
I hope it works out for ya!
Thank You Everyone
Thank you everyone for your words. It helps out a lot!