4 year old acting out
The last week or two my 4 year old has really been acting out. He is normally a really good kid and listens so well. Don’t get me wrong he is a 4 year old so he does have those days were he wants to act out but they are far in between. But lately its just about a every day occurrence. He gets so mad over stuff like a video game or that he colored outside of the lines. He even hit the wall when he got mad. We were at walmart on Saturday buying a TV for the basement and waiting to get my oil changed and so me and Brayden were waiting in the oil place (they said it would only be about 15 minutes) and my husband went to get the TV. He was acting HORRIBLE. He tried to kick over the stack of tires slamming doors to the liters of pop just not listening. He had a toy from a McDonalds happy meal and I took it away and put it in the cart with the rest of our bags, so he got mad and hit me, kicked me, and head butted me in the cheek (I had a red mark for about 2 hours on my cheek bone). SO here I am 9 month pregnant with a 4 year that just will not listen. I tried to get him to sit down on the bench and he wouldn’t, he just kept telling me no. It was really like a totally different child….that one in walmart was not my sweet little boy. I could pick him up and put him in the cart because he was kicking every time I tried to pick him up. When my husband got back , I just walk outside and cried. I couldn’t believe my child was acting like that. The only reason I can think of is the baby. Everyone is talking about it more. But everytime we buy something for the baby he gets to pick out something. We let him help decorating the room. We got stuff for Baileys walls and he picked out a new clock for him room. We have included him in EVERYTHING. I don’t know what else to try. He is not scared of anything. I don’t like spanking but my husband will spank him on the but and set him in timecard (is he is really bad) and he doesn’t care anymore. He will get right up and do whatever it was that just got him in trouble. Even when we were at my moms on Saturday she said something about the way he was acting. She is normally sticks up for him everytime I say something about how he was been acting. If he is acting like this before the baby gets here what is it going to be like after she is here? Any advice???
We went through it too...
Luke was the same way right before and for awhile after Shawn was born. We didn't have the hitting or kicking issues, but very mouthy, bad attitude, and overall he was a very angry little boy. Luckily, he has never once taken out his frustration on the baby. It will get better, I'm sure. I'm sure he is feeling everyone's stress, excitment, frustrations, etc. He knows you are exhausted, there is all this baby talk, the house is changing (new playroom, new baby's room), and I'm sure it's just starting to get overwhelming for him. Luke is also a very well behaved kid, so his acting out was really hard for me to grasp! Plus, with the new baby, I had zero patience for him, and I'm sure he knew it! I would just stick to your rules, that behavior isn't nice and won't be tolerated. You may need to adjust the punishments and make them a bit more intense, since he doesn't seem to respond to the old ones. Right before all the bad behavior started with Luke, we were already noticing that timeouts really weren't working for Luke anymore. Before, he would SIT in timeout on the carpeted floor...1 minute for each year of age. Here's what we do now. I'm warning you, it seems harsh, but it works! He kneels in timeout now, on his knees, sitting upright facing the wall. Not only that, but he doesn't get to sit on the carpet...he kneels on the kitchen floor. Now, we do spare him some, he doesn't have to sit there for 3 minutes...I agree, that would be too much on his little knees. But I'm telling you...he was so stubborn that no punishment was working. Now he just about bursts into tears at just the warning of a timeout now! No more cushy timeouts around here. Now, if he does something that he does need a little timeout for...maybe he's just getting too roudy or just needs to settle for a bit...he sits in the middle of his bedroom floor with the door shut. He hates being in there by himself. But for the major misbehaviors, he needs a real punishment, and this seems to work for us. Plus, we figure it can't be that hard on him...heck, he has no problem running through the kitchen on his hands and knees playing cars....so 1 minute kneeling on the floor isn't that bad, I'm sure.
Anyway, I'm sure it's perfectly normal, and all kids probably go though it at some point...stress, new baby, etc. Maybe you should make up some kind of reward system for his GOOD behavior! I know Luke was always such a good kid, I think sometimes we would just expect it and forget that he still needs to hear the positive feedback when he was good. It's tough, I know, but it will all get easier, I promise :) Our doctor gave us the best advice ever right after Shawn was born and he saw how stressed we were...new baby, trying to give Luke the attention he had before, keep up on the housework, etc, etc, etc.....he said "each day is all about survival." Basically, if you can simply "survive" it one day at a time, it will get easier! When Luke was being bad, Shawn would be screaming, dishes piled up in the sink, toys all over the house, laundry piled up, both of us almost in tears, we would just look at each other and say "it's all about survival!" It's amazing how that one little statement really did help us through many days! Good luck, it will get better! :)
Jessica
~ Mommy to Luke and Shawn
JessicasCandles@gmail.com
THANKS
WE DO OFFER THE REWARD. FOR EVERYDAY HE IS GOOD AND NO TIMEOUTS HE GETS A DOLLAR. LAST WEEKEND WHEN WE WENT SHOPPING HE WANTED TO BUY SOMETHING SO WE COUNTED HIS MONEY AND HE HAD $34. I ALWAYS GIVE HIM EXTRA DOLLARS IF HE REALLY HELPS OUT OR IS SUPER GOOD. ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE HE HAS WANTED TO USE HIS MONEY SO HE FOUND A GAME FOR THE PLAYSTATION 2 THAT WAS A CAR GAME BUT IT WAS $40 SO WE TOLD HIM $20, HE HAS BEEN SO HAPPY AND PLAYING IT WITH DADDY EVERY NIGHT THE LAST TWO NIGHTS, BUT HE EVEN GETS MAD AT THE GAME AND WILL THROW THE REMOTE AND WE WARN HIM AND THEN HE WILL DO IT AGAIN SO THEN THE GAMES GOES OFF AND THAT JUST MAKES IT ALL WORSE. I HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCES BUT WHEN HE GETS LIKE THAT I JUST WALK AWAY BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT DO TO AT THAT POINT. I WAS THINKING MAYBE WHEN HE GETS THAT BAD HE JUST NEEDS SOME TIME TO HIMSELF AND WE BOTH JUST NEED TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM. I REALLY HATE PUNISHING HIM FOR ACTING OUT...I AM SURE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHY HE IS ACTING LIKE THAT. DAYCARE AND PRESCHOOL SAY HE IS PERFECT. LAST THURSDAY WHEN I PICKED HIM UP FROM SCHOOL IT TOOK US 20 MINUTES TO LEAVE BECAUSE HE WOULDNT LISTEN RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE HALLS. HIS TEACHER LOOKED AT ME AND SAID IF I DIDNT SEE HIM ACT LIKE I WOULD HAVE NEVER BELIEVED YOU, HE IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT HERE. I HOPE IT GETS BETTER. I AM SURE RIGHT AFTER THE BABY IS BORN WILL BE TOUGH BUT HOPEFULLY IT WILL GET BETTER. I DONT THINK HE WILL TAKE IT OUT ON THE BABY BECAUSE HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO SEE THE BABY AND HE HAS FUN HELPING ME WITH HER ROOM AND WE PICKED OUT A COUPLE TOYS FOR HER.....IN CASE SHE IS BORNED BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND SANTA DOESNT KNOW. HE HAS BEEN A GREAT HELPER. YEAH WE HAVE A CHAIR THAT SAYS TIME OUT ON IT AND ITS AGAINST THE WALL IN THE LIVING ROOM AND HE REALLY DOESNT SEEM TO CARE IF HE HAS TO SIT IN IT. I WAS THINKING MAYBE A SORT OF GROUNDING...LIKE TAKING A TOY OR WHATEVER HE IS INTO AWAY FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. I NOTICED WITH THE NEW VIDEO GAME WHEN HE THROWS HE REMOTE AND WE WARN HIM AND IF HE DOES IT AGAIN WE SHUT THE GAME OFF, HE SEEMS TO HATE THAT WORSE THEN TIME OUT OR ANYTHING, BUT IS HE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT??
HE HAS A CHRISTMAS PROGRAM AT SCHOOL ON THURSDAY AND THEN CHRISTMAS, I AM SCARED IF FOR SOME REASON I AM IN THE HOSPITAL DURING ANY OF THEM THAT HE WILL BE SO HURT. IT WILL BREAK MY HEART IF I HAVE TO MISS EITHER ONE OF THOSE.
SURVIVAL- THAT IS SO TRUE. ITS SO HARD NOW TO WORK, COOK DINNER, CLEAN THE HOUSE SO ITS PRETTY MUCH CLEAN EVERY DAY SO I WONT BE COMING HOME TO A BUNCH OF LAUNDRY AND SPEND SOME TIME WITH HIM BEFORE BED TIME AT 8. ITS ALITTLE OVERWELMING, I DONT KNOW WHY I WANT HER BORN SO BAD ITS JUST GOING TO GET HARDER.
grounding
We have taken toys away on occassion and it usually only bother him for a second. He has so much other stuff to play with, he hardly notices what he doens't have! Same with a grounding...there are so many OTHER things to keep him occupied, it didn't seem to do anything for Luke. A few weeks ago Luke was playing a computer game on my laptop. My husband told him it was time to turn the game off, and he basically just tipped the computer off his lap right onto the floor. We said no computer for several days, and when he would ask to play, we told him he couldn't play because of what he did the other day, and he said "OK" and went about his business. SO, in our experience, I don't think Luke is ready for "groundings."
If you have already been doing the reward for good behavior, it may just be wearing off? I don't have another suggestion, but maybe he is bored with that system and maybe it's time for something new.
I agree, when they act out like that, I don't think they even know why they are doing it. I think they just have so much emotion built up, they don't know what to do with it all! I'm sure this is a tough time for him too!
Hey, I just thought of this...maybe instead of GETTING rewards for good behavior, he could start out the day with his sticker chart or whatever you use already full of the "good behavior" stickers, and if he's bad, they get taken away! I know for Luke, he responds better to "if you don't act nice, you don't get X", rather than "if you are good, you get X". Kind of bribery in reverse? haha! Or maybe instead of punishment, pull him aside and try talking it out and see if he can explain why he's so angry. I don't know, it was a frustrating time for us too, but we are past it finally.
Jessica
~ Mommy to Luke and Shawn
JessicasCandles@gmail.com
REWARDS
I WILL TRY A CHART. I HAVE NOTICED HE REALLY DOESNT CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT THE REWARD SYSTEM ANYMORE.
I DID TRY TALKING TO HIM AND ASKING HIM WHY HE IS ACTING LIKE HE IS AND HE JUST TELLS ME I DONT KNOW. SO I REALLY DONT THINK HE KNOWS. OR HE WILL SAY I GOT MAD BECAUSE HE HIT A WALL ON THE RACING GAME. I REALLY DONT THINK HE KNOWS SO ITS ON ONE HAND I DONT WANT HIM TO THINK ITS OK TO ACT LIKE THAT BUT ON THE OTHER I FEEL HORRIBLE THAT HE CANT REALLY 'TALK' ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GIVE HIM MORE ATTENTION BECAUSE WHEN I LEAVE NOW FOR WORK HE HAS TO GIVE HIM A TON OF HUGS AND KISSES AND HE EVEN CRIED WHEN I LEFT WORK THIS MORNING SAYING THAT HE WANTED ME TO STAY AT HOME WITH HIM (DAD TAKES HIM TO PRESCHOOL ON TUESDAY/THURSDAY) HE HAS NEVER CRIED LIKE THAT BECAUSE OF BE LEAVING FOR WORK. OFCOURSE I REASSURED HIM THAT I WOULD BE THERE TO PICK HIM AT SCHOOL AFTER THE MOVIE TIME.
GROUNDINGS- SOME THINGS HE REALLY DOESNT CARE ABOUT BUT SOMETHINGS HE REALLY DOES. LIKE HIS BOARD GAMES, HE GOT MAD AND PUSHED IT OFF THE TABLE SO I TOOK IT AWAY AND TOLD HIM NO MORE THAT DAY. HE CRIED SO HARD (I FELT HORRIBLE.....I NORMALLY GIVE IN TO HIM ALL THE TIME...BUT I AM TRING TO GET BETTER AT THAT) AND HE KEPT ASKING FOR IT AND I PROBABLY SAID 10 TIME NO WE ARENT PLAYING THAT ANYMORE BECAUSE IF YOU CANT BE NICE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR TOYS YOU WONT GET TO PLAY WITH THEM. AND HE WAS LIKE WELL IF I BE GOOD CAN WE PLAY IT TOMORROW AND I SAID YES. HE UNDERSTOOD. I HAVENT TRYING A LONG PERIOD OF TIME JUST THE REST OF THAT DAY.
I AM SURE WE WILL GET THROUGH IT JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES, BUT I DIDNT REALIZE IT WOULD BE SO OVERWELMING AND HARD.
One strike
I have found with my 4 year old that the typical second chance or three strikes methods only encourage more bad behavior. It takes a lot of tough love to take something away or punish him for doing something bad on the first try. But each kid is different and we didn't have to be that aggressive with the oldest and the youngest needs it to understand the penalties. Our goal is to be consistent and take some kind of action on after the first bad behavior, but there are times too when we are so tired that we don't and I know that only prolongs his learning of good behavior. It is usually those kind of actions that are not what I asked him to do, but it really isn't the worst... like not hanging his coat up or putting things away. Everything boils down to the same thing though, he has to learn to listen whether it is putting toys away or not hitting someone... so it makes it hard to always punish even for something little.
punishment?
One strike = what kind of punishment for him? Just curious :)
I agree each kid is different, and we can already see it with our 2. I have a feeling that Shawn will be the one that doesn't get more than 1 chance, like Colin! Luke rarely gets in trouble, and one or two warnings is usually enough, and he'll stop the bad behavior.
Jessica
~ Mommy to Luke and Shawn
JessicasCandles@gmail.com
We are still trying to come up with more possibilities
It depends on what it is. Priveleges are most often taken away dessert, playtime, basement time (playroom), movie time etc. I spank him when he is really bad or is mouthy when I am talking to him. He doesn't mind spanking most of the time though. I am always looking for something else to take away. We took away TV a couple times this season when Christmas specials were on and both kids were pretty disappointed about that. Then later I saw how often they were airing them due to the writers strike, but I don't think the kids realized they were being shown again.
struggling for power
This is something that has worked for all three of my kids. The kids struggle for control. They want to do things their way and try every little thing to get control of their huge world. With the new baby coming I am sure he feels like he is loosing control of his world even more so. Let him make decisions for himself in a way that he feels like he is gaining control. Like for example.... What you are doing is your choice to behave badly, if you choose to continue to act this way this is what will happen (the punishment) or you can choose to behave and treat us nice, not throw your game, ect. and you will get to do what you want (or be rewarded in what ever way) for the good choices that you make. When my kids learned that it was their choice that was making them get in trouble they learned they had control. Start using the phrase good choices and bad choices and remind him to make those good choices. When you punish him use a timer for the length of time so that he doesn't feel like he should be mad at you, his punishment is up when the timer goes off. I hope that this makes sense the way I wrote it here. This has been very successful for us. The kids learn it is thier choices that they are making and then when they get in trouble remind him that it is because of his own choice and nothing to do with what you or his dad has done(kids like to put blame on the person that is dishing out the punishment and don't relize that it was because of their choices)
Good luck